Columnist advises couples to look beyond political shifts during marriage

R. Eric Thomas, a relationship columnist, answered a reader who asked how to handle a marriage where one partner changed their political views.

The reader, identified as Dazed and Confused, has been married to her husband since 2018. They dated for one year before marrying. She wrote in her dating profile that she did not want to date Trump supporters. Her husband was a democratic socialist at the time. They shared progressive political views.

Her husband works in academia. She said he became a firm supporter of the Make America Great Again movement. She cited excesses in woke culture and excessive pandemic lockdowns as reasons for his shift. She said she is a social worker who works with immigrants. She said she is upset by current events affecting those communities. She stated that she and her husband cannot agree on political topics. She said she sometimes does not know if she likes him. He is opposed to therapy.

Thomas said the letter made him wonder if the couple had enough of a foundation outside of politics before the marriage. He said that in most marriages, couples do not discuss daily headlines. He noted that news events impact life and reflect values. He said the substance of a marriage should be those values and how they appear in shared life.

Thomas asked the reader to consider what she and her husband are sharing now. He said if he agrees that what united them drives them apart, he should want to fix it or end it. He said sitting in tension does nothing. He noted that the reader said they mostly do not talk about politics. He asked if other conversations are productive. He asked what is good about the partnership. He asked if the marriage works when cable news is off.

Thomas said if the reader struggles to respect her husband because of his beliefs, couples therapy may not be the first step. He suggested individual therapy for soul searching. He said she should ask if the relationship has changed too much from what she envisioned. He said she should determine if those changes are non-negotiables.

Thomas also answered a letter from T-Day B-Day. The reader and her eldest sister want to celebrate their eldest brother’s birthday on Thanksgiving. That is also the day before the sister’s birthday. The brother and his family live scattered across the area. They have not been invited to Thanksgiving dinner. The sister-in-law dislikes chaos in the house. The reader asked how to approach the sister-in-law. She said it may be the last Thanksgiving dinner the family will have together.

Thomas said there is nothing stopping the reader from making travel plans to be near her brother. He said she can invite his family to a rental or a restaurant to celebrate the birthdays. He said she can also request an invitation. He said being clear about the desire to commemorate the holiday and celebrate two birthdays helps inform the request. He said they can always say no. He said the group is not bringing the same chaos as when there were more siblings. He said communication is key. He said it is easy to assume others know what we want. He said it is important to articulate goals and be clear about desired outcomes. He said the goal is to see and celebrate with the brother. The desired outcome is another happy memory.