Retirement home friends seek advice on helping paranoid friend drive safely

A resident of a Denver retirement home is asking for advice on how to handle her friend's growing refusal to see a doctor.

The writer, who is 82 years old, lives in the facility with two close friends named Wilma and Janet. Wilma has the most serious health issues of the three. Her eyesight is declining, and her hearing is fading. She also suffers from arthritis that she avoids treating because she fears doctors will give her useless pills and charge excessive fees.

The situation began as a minor annoyance that the three women often joked about. However, the dynamic has shifted recently. Wilma's driving has become erratic, and she has accumulated several traffic tickets. She also refuses to use the shared transportation service provided by the retirement home. She claims she does not know where the drivers are taking her.

If Wilma continues to drive poorly, she faces the possibility of losing her driver's license for the second time. This loss would likely be permanent. The writer asks if Janet and she should push the issue or simply step back and let Wilma face the natural consequences of her stubbornness.

R. Eric Thomas, the columnist who answered the question, noted that if Wilma poses a danger to herself or others, someone must act. He suggested that the writers contact the state Department of Motor Vehicles. Most states have a system that allows for anonymous requests to check on suspected problem drivers. This step could trigger a formal review of Wilma's driving record.

Thomas also advised the writers to have a frank but kind conversation with Wilma. He suggested framing the discussion as a desire to help her find solutions rather than a critique of her behavior. The writers could propose specific alternatives, such as a house call from a doctor or a provider that is fully covered by her insurance. These options might reduce her anxiety about costs and unfamiliar environments.

Thomas acknowledged that Wilma's reality may be severely distorted. He stated that an intervention could help her see an alternative to her current thinking. He did not speculate on the root cause of her paranoia, noting that it could be a quirk or a sign of physical or mental issues. The key, he said, is to address the behavior that affects her safety.

The writer plans to share these suggestions with Janet and Wilma's husband. They hope to implement the advice before Wilma's next scheduled check-in with the retirement home staff.