Ask Eric Thomas: How to tell a sibling their house is unsafe

Three siblings are dealing with a housing situation that has raised safety alarms for the family.

The oldest sibling submitted a question to R. Eric Thomas, a columnist for The Denver Post, regarding their middle and youngest brothers and sisters. The middle sibling recently told their parents that the youngest sibling's home has become unsafe due to clutter. The family has always known the house was messy, but the condition has now reached a level of concern that worries relatives.

The oldest sibling last visited the home and saw the same chaotic conditions. They initially tried to give the benefit of the doubt, assuming the family was busy. However, neither the parents nor the oldest sibling has visited in a long time because the mess is so bad. The youngest sibling works full time and cooks for the household. Their spouse is a stay-at-home parent who struggles with mental health issues. Children live in the home, adding to the urgency.

The family is deeply private and non-confrontational, which makes it hard to bring up the problem directly. The middle sibling is hesitant to speak up because they fear the youngest will become defensive. They also worry that limited family time will become more difficult if the issue is raised. The goal is to ensure everyone's safety, including the mental health of the stay-at-home parent, without causing a rift.

Thomas responded by splitting the problem into two parts. If the clutter creates unsafe conditions that endanger the children, the siblings must speak with the parents. He advised that this conversation should be gentle and specific. For example, a sibling could say, "I noticed that there are boxes blocking the back door and that's a safety hazard. Can I help you move those to a closet so it doesn't endanger your kids or any emergency personnel that might need to get into the home?"

Thomas noted that the youngest sibling might get defensive, but child safety must come first. If the issue is about quality of life rather than immediate safety, the family could offer help in a different way. Suggested options include gifting the family a few housekeeping sessions or a consultation with a home organizer. The family would still need to choose to use the help, but it removes a barrier. Thomas also advised asking, "how can I help?" regarding the spouse's mental health, while having specific suggestions ready.

The columnist emphasized that it is still their home and they can run it as they see fit. However, relatives can make themselves available to relieve burdens or remove obstacles. Thomas advised respecting the family's autonomy while offering concrete support where possible. The advice aims to balance the family's desire for privacy with the need to protect the children living in the house.